good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
