Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
