i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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