my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
