I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Someone shit on the floor
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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