If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
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