I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
