I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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