god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
