At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
We smell like vodka and hangover
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