I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
