Umm I'm too high to move.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Randomize
