Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
