is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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