a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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