I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
