What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
