im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
why do cheetos always look like penises
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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