My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
