The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
