i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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