So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
