I'm jealous of your bromance
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Randomize
