I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
