is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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