You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
