just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
