you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
