how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
