i can't believe i had my finger in that
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
