I faked an abortion last night.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
