Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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