Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
