if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
