Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
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