The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Randomize
