Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
