I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
