dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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