thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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