Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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