His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I would fuck him just for his dog
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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