Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Found your dick twin last night
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
