i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I love having hate sex.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
