"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
