At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
