if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
