I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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