I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
