they need to just BURY HIM!
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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